Language, what a funny thing. We use it all the time, yet we don't give a whole lot of thought to what happens with it after it leaves our mouth and or hands. Naturally, we all assume once we have shared what information we are trying to get across to another person, that's the end of it. We shared the information; they received the information; mission accomplished. That's what I thought till one day I arrived at Kisha's after school program to pick her up and take her home.
I walked into the building not suspecting a thing. All was the same as any other day I had picked her up. Then, out of nowhere, Ms. Cherry descended upon me. (Ms. Cherry isn't the real name of the after school program director, but being a typical CODA I acted deaf and gave her a smile and nodded the first time we were introduced and walked away hurriedly. Hey, I admit I may have been more polite and paid attention that first meeting, but there wasn't an interpreter there that day Farah and I met her and I for one did not want to see Farah walk away smirking as I was cornered and became extremely uncomfortable while this strangely kind and caring lady invaded my personal space, the whole time telling me how "special" I was to marry a "def" lady. Har har, it is not funny. So now I have no clue what her real name might be. I gave her the name "Ms. Cherry" because she had a plump, round, reddish face...excuse me, I grew up thinking visually and a cherry was the first thing I thought of the first time I saw her head.) I didn't see her coming as I was signing out my little Amazon Princess from the program that day.
Quietly Ms Cherry said to me, "Mr Leland, may I have a word with you?",as she looked at me through huge doe like eyes that just dripped sucrose and empathy. ( Let me tell you, I was instantly freaked out! I have seen that look in hearing peoples eyes before and heard that tone in a hearing person's voice and it is always followed by some comment about how sorry they are that I have "death" parents, or how "amazing" it is for to "def mutes" to get married and have hearing children. The memory makes me shudder.) "I require just a moment of your time to share with you, from the whole staff here at the after school program, how sorry we are to hear about your wife being let go from her teaching possession. We all know how hard it must be for someone of her "condition", you know, being "def" and all, to find a job."
I stood there a moment, totally perplexed and stunned as my mind did mental gymnastics in an attempt to put together how my "def" wife had lost her job and how Ms. Cherry used the word "condition" in place of the word "deaf", as though it made it better some how.? (Believe you me, Ms. Cherry had had me swearing bullets when she said Farah had a "condition". I kid you not, the last time Farah had a "condition" we got the blessed tax deduction known as the Amazon Princess. I nearly needed the defibrillator broken out at the mere thought of Farah having another baby. There are no words to explain how relieved and ecstatic I felt to know Farah's "condition" was only deafness. ) "Excuse me... what's this about my wife loosing her job and she doesn't have a "condition" she is simply and happily 'D-E-A-F', not 'D-E-F'". ( I have found it always helps hearing people to understand when you slowly and clearly enunciate the word "D-E-A-F" to them the first few times you talk to them about deafness and or Deaf Culture. Just a bit of hard learned advice when you attempting cross cultural, or cross lingual mediation.)
"No need to be embarrassed, loosing a job is nothing to be ashamed of Mr. Leland. We don't mean to pry, nor do we mean to ask for any sort of explanation as to what happened. Lord knows we have seen a good many people in our town here loose their jobs in the past few years. Good people with no "condition". I'm sure your wife will find another job soon. All she needs to do is keep plugging away."
All I could do was look at her and cock a single eyebrow in utter dumbfoundedness. She totally missed the whole "D-E-A-F" versus "D-E-F" comment. ( This is a common Politically Correct Poisoning situation . Oh trust me, hearing people somehow, for some unexplainable reason, are under the baffling and mistaken idea that not saying the word "deaf" will somehow make deafness less painful for them, but in reality in only makes their ignorance about deafness and Deaf Culture all more bewildering and laughable to the rest of us.)
Taking a step closer, cocking her head to the side while making direct eye contact with me, Ms Cherry put my hand on my shoulder in that creepy, compassionate, mortician sort of way and said, "Kisha has been explaining to us all about her mother's "condition". She got all teary eyed and near close to hyperventilating trying to talk about it and her mothers loosing her job. "
"Who is Ms Cherry?", interrupted Kisha with her head tilted to the right, all the while arching one eyebrow above her one wide open eye and squinting the other eye.
"You know, the lady in charge", I told her, discreetly pointing and giving a repeated sideways nod at Ms. Cherry, all in a vain attempt not to draw any more attention than the few kindergarteners already watching us.
Still having her left eye squinted, right eye wide open and brow arched high, Kisha tilted her head to the left side and signed, "Who?"
Back and forth Kisha and I went as my signs got much more descriptive. ( Understand this, when your getting more and more descriptive about someone's appearance, the descriptions start to take on unflattering characteristics as exaggerated gestures and tendencies of the person you are describing get added in. By the time your done, even an ancient Egyptian Mummy could understand who is being described, regardless of whether the Mummy knew how to sign or not.) With all the highly animated signs and gestures both Kisha and I used as we went back and forth, vainly trying to establish who Ms. Cherry was, the entire room of 30 overly active and loud kindergarteners had ground to a total standstill. All 30 of them moved backwards toward the walls fearfully, in an attempt to give us more room to continue the odd gesticulating show. Finally, totally exasperated and caring not for polite etiquette, I just walked right over to Ms. Cherry, stood behind and over her and emphatically, being all too much of a smart alec, pointed with both hands right at Ms Cherry's head, making a facial expression of "DUH", just to make the point.
With a look of total enlightenment, my little Amazon Princess signed, "Oh yeah, her. What about her?".
Taking a deep breath, I recapped my question, I re-signed what Ms. Cherry had told me. With a look of puzzlement, Kisha signed she didn't tell her any such thing. "Yes you said...", I signed over and over. "No, I did not", signed Kisha over and over. Back and forth we went for ten minutes, all the other kindergarteners, still up against the walls, bouncing their little heads back and forth between us and knowing nothing of what we signed, till Kisha finally said with her voice, "N-O I D-I-D N-O-T", in an highly enunciated and slow manner so as to ensure her mentally deficient Father finally understood her.
Amazed, I was momentarily at a loss for signs due to her response...then I signed back, "Ms. Cherry said that you were almost crying and telling her your Mom lost her job. Why would you say that?". Walking closer to me, Kisha spoke and told me she had not said any of that. I kept signing and Kisha kept speaking and walking closer till she was right in front of me and said, "Dad, why are you signing to me? I can hear you know?!".
Taken back by the fact I had slipped into signing mode without realizing it, I quickly came up with the best explanation I could when put on the spot by my kindergartener daughter, "Because I can".
As Kisha and I talked over the teary eyed conversation she had had earlier with Ms. Cherry, parents started to arrive and peal their frightened kindergarteners from the walls where that had stayed the whole time we had our give and take. Silently they all left us alone with Ms. Cherry. Slowly, cautiously, Ms. Cherry approached us just as a mental picture of the entire conversation between Kisha and Ms. Cherry gelled in my brain and came into befuddled focus. "Ms. Cherry, did Kisha say her mother had been "cut out" and thus left without a job?"
"Yes, that's what she told us and we all understand how harsh that must be for someone in your wife's..."condition", she said slow and quietly, all to make sure I understood what "condition" meant.
Sending Kisha to get her shoes and coat on, I explained in my best grown up hearing person way, slowly and quietly so as to be sure she understood what I meant, that this had all been a misunderstanding due to a clear clash of cultures and languages. The night before, Farah had had a serious talk with Kisha about how her talking all the time in our home without signing was "cutting out" Farah and Jaden from the collective family life in our home. Kisha listened closely as Farah told her how when a CODA refused to sign around deaf family members, it is rude and insensitive, "cutting out" the deaf family members from the CODA's life. If Kisha "cut out" Farah, then Farah wouldn't be able to do her most important job, being Kisha's mommy. She asked Kisha if she wanted her to loose her most important job? Eyes welling with tears, Kisha said she never wanted that to happen and held Farah tightly.
I believed I had done an excellent job of clearing up the misunderstanding and made my move to get us out of the building as quickly and painlessly as possible. This sadly was not to be. Much to my dismay, Ms. Cherry launched into a lengthy and dramatic soliloquy about how relieved she was that this was all a misunderstanding. On and on she talked in the way only hearing people can when they don't fully understand the cultural, or linguistical clash between hearing and deaf, but are too proud to admit it, yet continue to talk as though they do. I simply continued to nod my head and inched us out to the parking lot, started the van and began to pull away as Ms. Cherry wound down and stopped talking.
At that point, Kisha and I did the only thing we could, we waved quickly, turned our heads and we left. Never looking toward Ms. Cherry again, fearing if we did she'd start to talk once more. ( It's a self defense tactic CODA's learn from deaf people when they try to escape overly verbal hearing person. Comes in quite handy at times.)
So now you see why I say language can be a funny thing? See the confusion that ensues when we talk and believe all we say is understood exactly as we meant it? Kisha knows this lesson now.
I walked into the building not suspecting a thing. All was the same as any other day I had picked her up. Then, out of nowhere, Ms. Cherry descended upon me. (Ms. Cherry isn't the real name of the after school program director, but being a typical CODA I acted deaf and gave her a smile and nodded the first time we were introduced and walked away hurriedly. Hey, I admit I may have been more polite and paid attention that first meeting, but there wasn't an interpreter there that day Farah and I met her and I for one did not want to see Farah walk away smirking as I was cornered and became extremely uncomfortable while this strangely kind and caring lady invaded my personal space, the whole time telling me how "special" I was to marry a "def" lady. Har har, it is not funny. So now I have no clue what her real name might be. I gave her the name "Ms. Cherry" because she had a plump, round, reddish face...excuse me, I grew up thinking visually and a cherry was the first thing I thought of the first time I saw her head.) I didn't see her coming as I was signing out my little Amazon Princess from the program that day.
Quietly Ms Cherry said to me, "Mr Leland, may I have a word with you?",as she looked at me through huge doe like eyes that just dripped sucrose and empathy. ( Let me tell you, I was instantly freaked out! I have seen that look in hearing peoples eyes before and heard that tone in a hearing person's voice and it is always followed by some comment about how sorry they are that I have "death" parents, or how "amazing" it is for to "def mutes" to get married and have hearing children. The memory makes me shudder.) "I require just a moment of your time to share with you, from the whole staff here at the after school program, how sorry we are to hear about your wife being let go from her teaching possession. We all know how hard it must be for someone of her "condition", you know, being "def" and all, to find a job."
I stood there a moment, totally perplexed and stunned as my mind did mental gymnastics in an attempt to put together how my "def" wife had lost her job and how Ms. Cherry used the word "condition" in place of the word "deaf", as though it made it better some how.? (Believe you me, Ms. Cherry had had me swearing bullets when she said Farah had a "condition". I kid you not, the last time Farah had a "condition" we got the blessed tax deduction known as the Amazon Princess. I nearly needed the defibrillator broken out at the mere thought of Farah having another baby. There are no words to explain how relieved and ecstatic I felt to know Farah's "condition" was only deafness. ) "Excuse me... what's this about my wife loosing her job and she doesn't have a "condition" she is simply and happily 'D-E-A-F', not 'D-E-F'". ( I have found it always helps hearing people to understand when you slowly and clearly enunciate the word "D-E-A-F" to them the first few times you talk to them about deafness and or Deaf Culture. Just a bit of hard learned advice when you attempting cross cultural, or cross lingual mediation.)
"No need to be embarrassed, loosing a job is nothing to be ashamed of Mr. Leland. We don't mean to pry, nor do we mean to ask for any sort of explanation as to what happened. Lord knows we have seen a good many people in our town here loose their jobs in the past few years. Good people with no "condition". I'm sure your wife will find another job soon. All she needs to do is keep plugging away."
All I could do was look at her and cock a single eyebrow in utter dumbfoundedness. She totally missed the whole "D-E-A-F" versus "D-E-F" comment. ( This is a common Politically Correct Poisoning situation . Oh trust me, hearing people somehow, for some unexplainable reason, are under the baffling and mistaken idea that not saying the word "deaf" will somehow make deafness less painful for them, but in reality in only makes their ignorance about deafness and Deaf Culture all more bewildering and laughable to the rest of us.)
Taking a step closer, cocking her head to the side while making direct eye contact with me, Ms Cherry put my hand on my shoulder in that creepy, compassionate, mortician sort of way and said, "Kisha has been explaining to us all about her mother's "condition". She got all teary eyed and near close to hyperventilating trying to talk about it and her mothers loosing her job. "
Incapable of speech, I gestured for Ms. Cherry to wait, spun around and looked for Kisha. Naturally, she was holding court with her friends across the big room. I did the only thing a CODA would do at that moment, I stomped on the cement floor, began the dance one does when attempting to get the attention of someone across the room, admittedly all the while looking much like a crazed baboon. Once I finally had the attention of a highly embarrassed Kisha, I signed in the overly exaggerated way one does when signing a message across a long distance...it's equivalent to raising your voice to be heard by a hearing person far away, yet only making loud noise, not clear communication. Signing loudly usually further embarrasses the person your signing to by creating an overabundance of garbled visual noise, entirely lacking any clarity of message. Reigning in my signs, I asked Kisha, "What did you tell Ms. Cherry Mom lost her job? Mom didn't..."
"Who is Ms Cherry?", interrupted Kisha with her head tilted to the right, all the while arching one eyebrow above her one wide open eye and squinting the other eye.
"You know, the lady in charge", I told her, discreetly pointing and giving a repeated sideways nod at Ms. Cherry, all in a vain attempt not to draw any more attention than the few kindergarteners already watching us.
Still having her left eye squinted, right eye wide open and brow arched high, Kisha tilted her head to the left side and signed, "Who?"
Back and forth Kisha and I went as my signs got much more descriptive. ( Understand this, when your getting more and more descriptive about someone's appearance, the descriptions start to take on unflattering characteristics as exaggerated gestures and tendencies of the person you are describing get added in. By the time your done, even an ancient Egyptian Mummy could understand who is being described, regardless of whether the Mummy knew how to sign or not.) With all the highly animated signs and gestures both Kisha and I used as we went back and forth, vainly trying to establish who Ms. Cherry was, the entire room of 30 overly active and loud kindergarteners had ground to a total standstill. All 30 of them moved backwards toward the walls fearfully, in an attempt to give us more room to continue the odd gesticulating show. Finally, totally exasperated and caring not for polite etiquette, I just walked right over to Ms. Cherry, stood behind and over her and emphatically, being all too much of a smart alec, pointed with both hands right at Ms Cherry's head, making a facial expression of "DUH", just to make the point.
With a look of total enlightenment, my little Amazon Princess signed, "Oh yeah, her. What about her?".
Taking a deep breath, I recapped my question, I re-signed what Ms. Cherry had told me. With a look of puzzlement, Kisha signed she didn't tell her any such thing. "Yes you said...", I signed over and over. "No, I did not", signed Kisha over and over. Back and forth we went for ten minutes, all the other kindergarteners, still up against the walls, bouncing their little heads back and forth between us and knowing nothing of what we signed, till Kisha finally said with her voice, "N-O I D-I-D N-O-T", in an highly enunciated and slow manner so as to ensure her mentally deficient Father finally understood her.
Amazed, I was momentarily at a loss for signs due to her response...then I signed back, "Ms. Cherry said that you were almost crying and telling her your Mom lost her job. Why would you say that?". Walking closer to me, Kisha spoke and told me she had not said any of that. I kept signing and Kisha kept speaking and walking closer till she was right in front of me and said, "Dad, why are you signing to me? I can hear you know?!".
Taken back by the fact I had slipped into signing mode without realizing it, I quickly came up with the best explanation I could when put on the spot by my kindergartener daughter, "Because I can".
As Kisha and I talked over the teary eyed conversation she had had earlier with Ms. Cherry, parents started to arrive and peal their frightened kindergarteners from the walls where that had stayed the whole time we had our give and take. Silently they all left us alone with Ms. Cherry. Slowly, cautiously, Ms. Cherry approached us just as a mental picture of the entire conversation between Kisha and Ms. Cherry gelled in my brain and came into befuddled focus. "Ms. Cherry, did Kisha say her mother had been "cut out" and thus left without a job?"
"Yes, that's what she told us and we all understand how harsh that must be for someone in your wife's..."condition", she said slow and quietly, all to make sure I understood what "condition" meant.
Sending Kisha to get her shoes and coat on, I explained in my best grown up hearing person way, slowly and quietly so as to be sure she understood what I meant, that this had all been a misunderstanding due to a clear clash of cultures and languages. The night before, Farah had had a serious talk with Kisha about how her talking all the time in our home without signing was "cutting out" Farah and Jaden from the collective family life in our home. Kisha listened closely as Farah told her how when a CODA refused to sign around deaf family members, it is rude and insensitive, "cutting out" the deaf family members from the CODA's life. If Kisha "cut out" Farah, then Farah wouldn't be able to do her most important job, being Kisha's mommy. She asked Kisha if she wanted her to loose her most important job? Eyes welling with tears, Kisha said she never wanted that to happen and held Farah tightly.
I believed I had done an excellent job of clearing up the misunderstanding and made my move to get us out of the building as quickly and painlessly as possible. This sadly was not to be. Much to my dismay, Ms. Cherry launched into a lengthy and dramatic soliloquy about how relieved she was that this was all a misunderstanding. On and on she talked in the way only hearing people can when they don't fully understand the cultural, or linguistical clash between hearing and deaf, but are too proud to admit it, yet continue to talk as though they do. I simply continued to nod my head and inched us out to the parking lot, started the van and began to pull away as Ms. Cherry wound down and stopped talking.
At that point, Kisha and I did the only thing we could, we waved quickly, turned our heads and we left. Never looking toward Ms. Cherry again, fearing if we did she'd start to talk once more. ( It's a self defense tactic CODA's learn from deaf people when they try to escape overly verbal hearing person. Comes in quite handy at times.)
So now you see why I say language can be a funny thing? See the confusion that ensues when we talk and believe all we say is understood exactly as we meant it? Kisha knows this lesson now.
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